Leavers losers

 

It is a cold winter Monday morning. My son sits in front of his monitor attending his online classes, while I sit diagonally behind him in front of my laptop attending to my job. I sigh deeply every now and then because of the unexplained heaviness in my heart. They are teaching the lesson “The greedy Fox” today. I need to concentrate on his class as parents are accountable if the little children do not listen. Secretly I enjoy his classes. I can answer all the questions and I know the meanings and the spellings. I sit and wish I had this kind of brain power when I was a kid so I could score high.

 

The first words that came out of my kids mouth this morning was” what?? Its Monday already?”. At age 6 if that is the reaction to a Monday one can only imagine what Monday feels like at age 36. But I gracefully respond with utmost respect towards the dreaded day stating “All days are God made. Let us respect every day we have” and kissed him good morning. Deep inside I know I did not mean even a single word of what I said.

I drag myself lazily, rather depressingly towards the bathroom to finish my morning chores. While I made myself a strong cup of coffee with 2 spoons of sugar, I told myself, ok January 2021 onwards no more sugar. I even smiled to myself realizing the fact that so many Januarys have passed with me making the same old promise to myself.

Coffee with sugar is a source of sanity. It also gives momentary will to live. From years of experience, I also realized that coffee helps tolerate nonsense. Speaking of nonsense, the mother in me raced towards the bedroom only to find out the little brat still laying on the bed.  I threatened to pour cold water on him if he didn’t wake up in 5 seconds. Wake up, you have class! On the count of 5, 4, …..walking towards the living room….. 3……. My phone rings. Roles switch immediately to a responsible home maker attending to matters that need immediate resolution. In minutes I forget the Mother; homemaker; I am now thinking of the professional who is searching for the laptop I had shut down on Friday evening. The laptop feels so cold like it had been refrigerated. I dust it off and powered on. My son comes giggling, mumma you did not say 2 and 1 so I am going to sleep again, and he runs back to the bedroom. Ignorance is bliss I say to myself and yelled out new sets of threats to him if he didn’t brush soon while my laptop turned blue reminding me exactly how the morning felt.

My eyes, hand and the mouse are well coordinated with each other while they are busy reading mails and clicking away with responses and preparing some important reports. My brain, however, is lost. Although it is the brains duty to ensure the hand and the eyes work, it is currently over thinking for no reason, at the same time feels it is extremely important to sit and think of the painful past of people, places and things that were once an integral part of my life but now without it and without whom I am living. I am content and happy by the grace of God I have everything I need, but the brain feels it is quite essential that it runs through all the pages of the half burnt book and present to me case by case in coordination with my eyes who is wanting to shed water in comparison to a Niagara falls but is controlling oneself due to high self- esteem.

“So childrennnnnn why did the greedy fox not fit through the windowwww? My son as usual needed my approval before he gave the answer, so he turned towards me and clarified, “was it because he was fat like you?”

“I never try to go out a window, fat people have the privileges of a door” I countered. Feeling very proud of what I said and immediately realizing my motherly powers and yelled back saying “Don’t you know the answer to the question, we revised it just last week!!!”

My brain snapped back again, while my hand, eyes were focused on work with the help of the external force of the mouse. Sometimes I amaze myself as to how I can perform the duties pertaining to the current day and year while my mind is stuck in the era that has gone by many years ago.   

The thoughts varied from how much money I have wasted; wasted on things and people that did not matter. I also thought about the time I wasted; wasted on places and people that did not matter. I also thought about how many people I have lost. I paused. Did I lose them, or did they leave? They left of course my brain offered an almost immediate conclusion to the dilemma. Why did they leave and how? Through the window perhaps like the fat fox I chuckled in my thoughts.

The lesson greedy fox is different from the greedy fox I learnt in 1991. In 2020 the fox ate 8 cakes instead of just 1 and became so fat that he could not leave through the window. That is where he came from.  At this moment I am not listening to the teacher any longer. I have built my own train of thoughts with the story she is teaching and lost in a world where I should not be in. Just like how I was in school. Then I snapped back for a moment and realized, why I scored less in school, it is not because I did not have brain power. Then again, I went back into the train and remembered the fat fox and pitied its state for being fat. I thought about Christmas nearing and how I am almost the fat fox. Then my brain again went back to the half-burnt book and asked me if I would like to revisit the old artifacts of  who left whom.

I realized the pathetic situation my brain has put me in and made myself another cup of sanity drink. I cannot go on like this. After couple of emails I decided to write. It has been a while and my brain does deserve a channel to vent out. It deserves to be calmed down and spoken to. It needs to move on irrespective of who left whom. Hence, I begin to write.  

As I sipped my cup of coffee, I made peace with myself. The cyclone of emotions had to end. 2021 is nearing and the long-gone era needs to be forgotten. At some point in all our lives, we have all have been the greedy fox or have encountered one. We are all sometimes the leavers in someone’s life. The losers of many opportunities. We have let go the almost perfect people in the hunt for more perfection. We have eaten more than what we are worthy of and left without a trace.

Some have left us scarred and feeling blue. Some we have left sobbing at the door. Some are stuck. Some wriggle out like thieves through the narrow window. Some compete with the Niagara Falls from the wake of dawn till dusk. Some steal from us and get fat. Some we run away from abruptly leaving behind un-explored chapters. Many are here to leave. We are in someone’s life too, one day to leave.

Leavers and Losers, we all are some day, one day, every day. We need to calm ourselves and explain to the brain that its ok. We are humans and eternal nomads. Not meant to be in one place. Not meant to stay. One day, some day, every day people leave. Some stay longer but again leave. We all must leave. We all must lose to complete the circle of life. To bring meaning to the purpose of our being.

I sigh deeply and tell my brain to set my heart free. Allow it to breathe freely and to open the door wide and show the way for the greedy fox in me to leave.   Broaden the windowpanes for the greedy fat thieves to get out. My brain currently understands but I am sure we would revisit the book again someday. But with time I know we will together be able to completely burn it down and blow away the ashes and begin exploring new books with new chapters life has to offer.

I want to say leavers are losers. But losers will not gain unless they leave. As confusing as this can be about our life, we must be able to let go easily after we have put in our best to retain.

With this I return to my work. The class is over, and the assessment of the chapter Greedy fox is next week. Moral of the story, the fox should seriously consider going on a diet and have coffee without Sugar. But on the contrary, Christmas is nearing and if fox doesn’t eat up all the cake who else will?

Thanks for reading.